29 August, 2009

Just living

Am I living or am I just going through the motions to what seems some semblance of a life. Living in my own home it's different and I've been doing it for some while now but there's still something missing. Maybe it the daily struggle which you get used to when your living on the streets or maybe it's being with people who are just like you who have nothing and don't pretend to have. Maybe its hearing those different voices day in day out but whatever it is, living on your own in your own flat it is very different. Take me for instance for many years I lived on and off the streets sometimes in prison, Sometimes in swats and sometimes in hostels who by the way always seemed to come up with Mr McCoy you haven't paid any rent so you will have to leave. Being a drug addict causes these lapses in ones memory and getting high everyday does that. The fact is drug came first before rent, food, cloths or family but those days are gone. Now it's just me and my inner voice trying to be the best that I can be and believe me when I say that's not hard as everyday used to be what can I get today but these days I'm into the quiet life but every now and then I will spend a few days out there on the streets or get blind o drunk at home and that's not hard for me as I hate drink but I am still asking the question is this living or just going through the motions.
Maybe I'll wake up and find out it's all been a dream and I'm really only 20 and it's all been a nightmare or maybe this is hell and I really died years ago and this is my punishment because Gordon Brown really being the prime minister only the devil could have come up with that one.