15 December, 2006

The madness of Jamie

Things have been getting to me down lately and of course the slump that was due had to come sooner or later. With all the things that have been happening this week. I have had these thoughts of just giving everything up but to cure this I had this mad thought and that was, could I actually live on the streets again if I had to? So last night I picked up my old sleeping bag and went into the West End and made my bed outside the camera shop by the Savoy hotel in Charing cross road. At first it was fine but as the night drew on and it started to get colder and to be truthful I started to feel cold. Then it started to spot with rain I started to think about sitting in front of the TV with a cup of coffee and how warm and cozy it was. The thing I learnt was that life on the street just didn't appeal to me anymore and it just wasn't me. I stayed for a few more hours just looking around and trying to remember my days on the street and how on earth I managed it for so long. I know the drugs I was taking then made me numb to the world but there was a lot more to it than just the drugs. This might sound crazy but here's what I think I have learned, I had lived for years being told I was useless and would never amount to much and the belief that someone is supposed to have in themselves just wasn't there. Confidence in my own abilities were none existent and the years of drug abuse had left me with nothing but the instinct to just survive, if you could call it that. The fact that I was me and wasn't seems a bit confusing but if you imagine someone without much hope and nothing going for them, then you have a true picture me at that time. It took a mad five minutes, (well half hour if you count the time I just sat there.) I now call it the day the Thames got stoned instead of me but all this has lead me to where I am today. I know who I am,( I think) I have the confidence to do what ever I decided to do and I keep learning more and more about myself and life each day. The saying that everyone has limitations, has yet to affect me. I have this belief that limitations are just barriers to be broken. It has all come about by people giving me a second chance and help along the way. Which was all I needed but there are some people that need a second and a third and a fourth chance and for some it just doesn't happen. If I have learnt anything, it's that one little thing you do for somebody changes things. It might not be seen but it does change things. Strange but true. It the ripple effect. What I say and do now probably affects someone else. We all learn through change. It just takes some longer than others.

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