11 October, 2006

I was thinking back to when I was on the streets the other day and some of the things that I do remember were that I used to think people were just ignorant when I used to sit and beg first thing in the morning. Some people passing would slyly tap there pockets and smile at me just to let me know that they had change but were not going to give it to me. Some would tell me to get a job and I had quite a few call me names. It was only in the later stages of my addiction that I began to see what a mess I was and to tell the truth I would not have given me anything either. There I was every morning virtually in the same spot at the same time always needing that first ten pound to make me normal. I find that quite ridiculous now but back then I had become so dependent on drugs and other people that it was the only way for me to be a normal human being but even that wore off. Strange dont you think? Oh I know I breathed and did all the things like eating and stuff but if you can imagine a robot that needs to be recharged every time before it can work. Well, that was me like clockwork. Its funny but I can sit and smile about it all now but when I see someone else doing the exact same as what I did it makes me realize just how lucky I am even though I have so many regrets. I don't dwell on things too often as I'd probably be suicidal if I did. I just think about the mistakes and go from there. I often wonder where I would be now if I hadn't changed but thinking forward seems to be the way my mind works these days. I am dependent on myself and the best thing I think is that even though I think I have reached my limits I always go further So I suppose not knowing is a good thing. None of this would have been possible if I hadn't been able to get into college to be edumicated

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