If I were running my own party I would call it the honest to goodness no lies party.
I'd leave running the foreign office to Jasper Carrot because anyone that comes from the west midlands and tells jokes that even I can understand might be good for a laugh.
For my chancellor I would have to go with Jack Dee with his dead pan face and stories you wouldn't know whether he was telling the truth or not. I"d need someone in office that knows how to hide truthful lies and the fact that Jack would be a laugh a minute wouldn't hurt.
Education would go to the pub landlord Al Murray. I can see him now telling the rest of the cabinet (empty of course) how great we British are. How once we had a British empire not in our own country but round the rest of the world but we were great and the problem with our country is the beer.
And I'd be prime minister.
I'd be the one who played it straight. I"d be saying something like, I promise to tell you the truth scouts honor, cross my heart and hope to die and I'd promise you, you will not have to pay a penny more in tax than you have to. Even if this means you lose your jobs and housing.
We in the honest to goodness no lies party will keep our promises of no tax rises come what may.
We promise to keep our economy afloat by opening Swiss bank accounts (in different names of course). We promise you. We will not let ourselves or this country go under. We'll keep interest down to minimum as we wouldn't want you to know too much. It wouldn't be good for our balance of payments would it.
Hospitals will be germ free. No sick people need to worry anymore about the MSA bug. Beds will be available. No more waiting for appointments as I will close all Hospitals that do not have good private care. the NHS will be renamed Not Here Sickos to save money. Doctors will be free to work privately for a small charge of course.
TV licenses will be abolished, if you watch eight hours of BBC repeats everyday and radio one and four listeners will no have to buy a radio license same price as the old tv license. We shall call it a new deal for the people.
My pledge to you, the voter, will be to run this country and make us all rich. If you let me. I'm not a man that does things by Halfs. Myself and my party will go all the way. We will rid ourselves of poverty. If you just give us the chance. We will not let you down. Vote for The honest to goodness no lies party.
It would be so refreshing wouldn't it. Just to hear someone in government say sorry but I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Wouldn't it be great if they told us, taxes, we're robbing you blind. It'll never happen so why bother voting? Is it all a con?